I miss you tonight...

"I can usually drink you right off of my mind

But I miss you tonight

I can normally push you right out of my heart

But I'm too tired to fight

Yeah the whole thing begins

And I let you sink into my veins

And I feel the pain like it's new

Everything that we were,

Everything that you said,

Everything that I did and that I couldn't do

Plays through tonight

Tonight your memory burns like a fire

With every one it grows higher and higher

And I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love

I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back

Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming

Come wake me up

Turn the TV up loud just to drown out your voice, but I can't forget

Now I'm all out of ideas and baby I'm down to my last cigarette

Yeah, you're probably asleep deep inside of your dreams while I’m sitting here crying and trying to see

Yeah, wherever you are baby now I am sure you moved on and aren't thinking twice about me

And you tonight

Tonight your memory burns like a fire

With every one it grows higher and higher

I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love

I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back

Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming

I know that you're movin' on

I know I should give you up

But I keep hopin' that you'll trip and fall back in love

Time's not healin' anything

Baby, this pain is worse than it ever was

I know that you can't hear me, but baby I need you to save me tonight

Tonight your memory burns like a fire

With every one it grows higher and higher

I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love

I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back

Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming

Come wake me up

Oh, I'm dreaming

Come wake me up

Oh, I'm dreaming"

-Come Wake Me Up by Rascal Flatts

Some nights are better than others but tonight you're on my mind. I miss you more than ever....

Remember me with smiles and laughter

Some days I just wonder if people remember me the way I remember them or if they even remember me at all.  Like the kids I grew up with. Does Nate Patterson remember me going over to his house to play Frogger because it was my favorite game?  Does Collin Anderton remember jumping on the tramp and kicking me in the nose so hard that it bled?  Do Kami Prestwich and Allie Holman remember fighting over me at recess that one day way back when?  Does Corbin Briscoe remember chasing me around my aunt’s house trying to kiss me?  Do Tyson and Mackenzie Hansen remember telling me scary stories and trying to get me to go into the basement alone and talk to “Sally Doll”?  Does Kayla (I don't remember her last name) remember me from girl scouts?  And do all the kids in my old neighborhood remember playing night games every weekend during the school year and every single night during the summer?  I guess they aren’t kids anymore.  We all grew up and took different paths and there is nothing wrong with that.  I would just like to know if they remember me, because I remember them.

Really I'm just surrounded with players..

I knew this would happen because it always does.  I fall for all the wrong people.  I knew you were trouble when you walked in, so shame on me now.  Yes, I did just quote Taylor Swift because that song fits my situation so perfectly right now.  I realize now that you were just playing me; we had that one perfect week, cuddling and laughing and staying up till 2am talking, you even kissed my forehead and I thought that maybe you liked me as much as I liked you.   You seemed so perfect, I thought we would match.  But obviously it was a game to you because now you’re cuddling with my roommate.  And that’s not cool even if I pretend like it is.  Shame on you, shame on her, and shame on me.  I knew I should never fall for a boy that all the girls loved but I did it anyway.  My bad.

We never really know what we are doing

Have you ever done something and known exactly what the consequence is going to be? No, because we do not have that capability. Seriously though, think about it. No matter what choices we make or roads we take there will always be a surprise. It could be good or bad. I think we all go through life not knowing exactly what we are doing just knowing enough to keep going. And that’s all we can really ask for.

I don't know what I am doing with him. He is great and all but how do I tell him that I don't want to be with him, I just want to cuddle and hold hands and be all cute like. Maybe I'm just afraid to love. That's just a little cliché. But for real, I'm too afraid to love you but too afraid to let you go. Pathetic? Maybe so, but that’s just how it is.

I don't know what career path I want to take. I am really just taking classes that I am interested in because I have no clue what I am doing. That's okay though right? I'm young; I have time to figure it all out.

Really I just don't know what the heck I am doing. I am just going through the motions hoping that maybe something exciting will happen. Which seems very doubtful. I guess one day I will figure it out just not today.

We are shaped by our thoughts. . .

I have been thinking about a lot lately and I really just need to get it all out so here it is. . .

I like it here but I feel like I have grown apart from my family and that makes me sad.

I forgive you even though you never said that you were sorry.

Thank you for letting me come over and vent about my problems.

Stop being so selfish. You can't have everything your way, the sooner you accept that the better.

I wish you would talk to me.

You make me so mad.

Clean up your own dang dishes.

I think I could really like you. You are an interesting human being and I want to know you more.

That song still makes me think of you.

I'm not your mother.

You're not my mother.

Just leave her alone. She'll come around when she is good and ready.

I dread going to my choir class.

I wish you didn't get hurt. It is different here without you and I need you to come back soon.

Really I don't know why all these things have been running through my head but that's ok. And it feels good to lay it all out.

Well there it is the first post in months. . . Stay in school kids and don't lock your knees.

let's be honest. . .

I am not quite sure how I feel about all this growing up stuff. I graduated from high school and I don't even feel any different. I guess maybe that's normal but still. I am already registered for my classes at Snow and I have an apartment down there which I move into on August 18. It's weird though. Graduation gifts feel weird to, I love them all, really I do. It's just weird getting kitchen stuff. I knew this day was coming but it snuck up on me faster than I thought it would.

Even though it's weird I am still extremely excited. It will be fun as long as I make myself get involved and actually talk to people. I am excited to meet new people but I will miss everyone here in Lehi, although it will be good for me. I don't know, it will be different but hopefully I will love every minute.

Brother and Sister Bonding

A few weeks ago I was driving to my aunt’s house and I saw a girl and her younger brother running together. My thought was “Awe how cute. . . I wish my brother would run with me”. Well today that little wish came true when my brother ran a 5K with me. It was surprisingly fun. For those of you who know my brother you know that he is not really the nicest person in the world. . . Not even close. But there was something different about him today and he was actually very sweet. We talked and laughed the entire run. My favorite part of our little bonding moment was this conversation. . . .

Broc: "What are you in it for?"
Me: "To pass fitness. . . . . What are you in it for?"
Broc: "To talk to you. ."
 
Cheesy? Yes, I know. But he went on to say that he wouldn’t have done it if it had been our other sisters asking him to go. So I’m taking it as very sentimental.

 He has also been such a sweetheart the rest of the day. I don’t know what has gotten into him but I like it. I hope we can continue bonding so we can get closer. I always wanted a big brother, but honestly Broc will do just fine. And he’s taller than me so it kinda evens outs.