My story



Depression has been on my mind a lot lately. I feel so insignificant. I have had a lot of feelings bottled up and I want to share them. I am slowly falling into a depression stage. I know this is happening because it has happened before. Back in the summer before 9th grade I was very depressed. It got so bad that I started cutting myself. I don't know why I was so depressed. My life was fine. Nothing bad had happened I was just depressed. When my parents found out I was put on anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications. I hated it. I felt like pills were running my life. Looking back now I realize how much it helped me. I wasn't sick as much when I was taking them. My anxiety levels stayed low and I was more relaxed. But the thought of needing pills to be happy just ate at me. I quit taking them around the end of school. Life got a little bumpy. But that summer I met someone. I fell for this person immediately. He was the first person to actually sit down and listen to me. I liked that. I became happy. A true happiness, that wasn't triggered by medication or anything like that, I was just happy. Of course life still had some twists and turns but I made it through. All was well. Then one year ago my dad lost his job. That hit me like a brick. My mom got a full time job and after a couple months my dad found a new job. It didn't pay very well but we managed. When he got laid off for the second time I was torn a little more. My parents stayed positive though so that helped. We started becoming in debt, my parents hated that thought. They decided we would put the house up for sell but if my dad found a job then we would take it off the market. I created a fantasy that my dad would find a good job and we wouldn't have to move. I believed in that with my whole heart. My dad did find a job but the pay was low. We sold our house two weeks after listing it. That's when my world started to fall apart. Very few people knew my true feelings about this. I started crying a lot. I was sad but I don't think I was depressed quite yet. We are now living in my aunt and uncles basement. I am thankful that they took us in; however, every day that passes just gets me more sad. The past two weeks if have been sick to my stomach. I feel so lousy. I am becoming depressed and I don't want to be. I think I should go get some medication. I'll talk to my mom about that. I don't want to be depressed. It's no fun. I need to do something about this.

Finding A Voice

I am discovering that I have a lot to say. However, I am not very good with words. I do not usually speak my mind because I am afraid I will give off the wrong message. I am a very shy person because of that fear. But I am trying to become more articulate. I do have a voice. I want to be heard and understood. It has taken me years but I am finally ready to be heard. I am finding my own voice and will never let it be lost again.

Facts

Here are some facts about me. . .

I over exaggerate
I talk in my sleep
I have a hard time trusting people
I hate being alone
I like listening to other people’s problems because it makes me realize that my life isn't so bad
I am indecisive
I am not very fond of myself
I enjoy physical pain
I can't fall asleep without music playing
My dog is my best friend
I fall for men to easily
I don't like talking about my problems
I really am not as depressed as I sometimes think I am
I have been in love with one person for 2 years
I like hugs
I have the same dream over and over again until I tell someone about it
I wish I had a horse
Chocolate really makes me feel better when I am sad
I am emotional

I know that nobody really cares about any of this but I am learning new things about myself every day, writing them on here is my way of trying to understand myself.

Over and Over Again

Ahhhh!!!!! I think I am just going to scream or cry or do something drastic! This happens every time!! I make some new friends and everything is going great then BAM out of nowhere they fall off the face of the earth and I am left alone again. This is why I hate making friends!

Tie Shopping

So I went to Wal-Mart on Saturday with my dear friend Lindsey. My purpose there was to buy a tie for my wonderful father for Father's Day. I thought it was going quite well until Lindsey pointed out that the tie I liked was a zipper tie. Fail on my part. I picked a few more out and Linds asvised me on which ones to put back. I ended up getting the red one. Anyway, the moral of this story is that Shae is terrible at tie shopping. The end.

Oh and thank you Lindsey for your help.



The Truth

Well truth be told. . I'm not very happy at the moment. Tonight is the last night I will spend in this house. I don't like that. I wish I could do something about it, but I can't. I'm just stuck. I want to be able to accept it, but I can't. Therefore, I have decided not to accept it but not to un-accept it either. I just don't care. What happens happens. There is nothing anyone can do about it. If it is meant to be then it will happen. I got a fortune cookie yesterday from Panda Express. It said, "There are big changes ahead for you." I hated it. (Random fact: I hate when fortunes are actually true.). I put the little paper in my pocket and forgot about it. Then this morning while I was folding clothes to pack them the little paper fell onto my lap. I read it again and this time my thoughts were different. I thought, maybe this won't be so bad. My perspective totally changed. I am still not happy about moving but I'm not depressed either. I am in a content state of not caring. That is all.

Dear You,

So lately I have had some bottled up feelings towards some people but I haven't had the courage to say these things to them in person. I figured it would be easier to write them in anonymous letters. I know most of them will never read this, and if they did they probably won't know it is for them, but it still helps to get it off my chest. So here it goes. . .

Dear____,

Thank you for always being there for me even when you didn't like me too much. We have had our rough times but I'm glad we are friends now. I wish we started becoming friends sooner, I feel like we missed out on a lot. I miss you and our movie nights. I'm happy that we hang out now and that we can actually talk without getting on each other's nerves. I have had so much fun visiting you. I was a little sad when you moved but it has been fun being able to sleepover and stop by every once in awhile. I hope we can keep improving our friendship. I feel like we could become the very best of friends. Thank you for all the advice you have given me. I look up to you more than you realize. You are awesome. Love you!

Dear____,

You are such a great friend. I admire you a lot. I will admit that I didn't think this friendship would last, but it has and I am very happy about that. You are very helpful. I like how I can tell you anything and you don't judge me. Thank you for letting me speak my mind and giving me the chance to share my feelings. I hope I am as good of a friend to you as you are to me. I enjoy the time we spend with each other. It is always fun and it makes me laugh. Thank you for always being there for me with advice and for helping with computer questions.You really are an amazing friend and I hope we can keep this friendship going. Love ya.

Dear____,

I don't know how you think anymore. You used to be such a good example to me but now you are different. You let people take advantage of you and you don't stand up for yourself. I don't know what happened. You need to understand that not every boy who talks to you is in love with you. I'm sorry, that wasn't very nice, but it's true. You shouldn't be so hurt when some guy stops talking to you or doesn't want to hang out. This is high school guys can be jerks. It sucks but it's life. Please stop letting guys treat you so bad. It is hard for me to see. I have tried to stop it but there is nothing more I can do. I hope you realize that this won't make you happy and that you do something to change it. I love you like a sister and I will always be here for you when you need me.

Dear____,

I don't have much to say to you, I just want you to come back. We have been best friends since we were 3, and now you just fell off the face of the earth. I miss you. I really do. Please come back.

Dear____,

I miss you; I wish you still lived close by. I miss being able to see you everyday and talk to you face to face. I feel as if you have been a bit distant. I don't like that. We used to talk about everything and I wish it was still like that. I love you a lot and I need you in my life. I don't know where I would be without you. Please don't be so distant anymore. I love talking to you, you are one of the few people who actually listen to what I have to say. I like that about you. I like a lot of things about you, like how you always try to make me smile. I like when you write things for me and when you make up bedtime stories for me. You are really sweet and thoughtful. I really do love you. You make me happy and I know that if I'm with you then I will be safe. You really are my everything. I love you.